When I was a young girl I discovered my Grandmother was a witch. Not a witch in the sense of being crabby or rude, but a witch in the sense of intuition and all things dark and scary. I was digging around in her attic on a hot summer day, this was around the age of 12 or so... too old to believe that witches existed and too young to believe they didnt. On this day many many years ago, I found an old Ouiji board. It was dusty and old and immediately I was drawn to it, it really knowing what it was. I brought it downstairs and placed it on the table in front of my Grandmother. She looked at it and there appeared on her face an expression I had never seen before. She looked a little evil. She was a normal Grandma, one with thick glasses and gray hair and shewore all that polyester shit you know that neon stuff that looked like it would go up in flames if you threw a lit match her way. Until that moment I have always seen her as someone with a kind heart, lots of wisdom and advice and she made the best damn pound cake you ever tasted(she loaded it up with rum god it was tasty)but at this moment she looked different, dark scary and a little devilish.
She said "That's what I use to talk to all of our dead relatives." Holy shit I thought this woman is insane... here I am all alone with her in the house and this is a house out on a lake in the middle of the forest in Minnesota.. I didnt know a soul around and Grandpa was out on the boat fishing gone for hours. This put a whole new spin on things as I was there staying with them far far away from my home in California for Summer vacation. I said meekly "How does it work?" A strange smile came over her face kind of like I had opened the original pandora's box. She stood up and crosed the room and open a cupboard door on this black antique enameled case, reached in and took out a beautiful red satin jeweled case. She slowly opened it up and gently took out an object so foreign and odd. It was a little carved wooden triangle thing with tiny little carved feet on it. It was weird and I was strangely attracted to it. I reached to pick it up and she said "NOOO! dont touch it until it is ready to be touched." OMG this is too much. I sat there and watched her as she closed her eyes and placed both hands over this thing just hovering her hands over it about an inch above. She started humming this weird little tune and I got the feeling that even though her eyes were completely closed, she could still see me.
Shivers running down my spine I got up and left to get some water in the kitchen. When I came back she was sitting back at the table in front of the Ouiji Board (and I was only gone for a second so that woman flew over to the table like time had stood still)this time that thing that didnt want to be touched was right on top of the Ouiji Board resting right in the middle of it.
She looked up and said "Lets sit in a protected circle and talk to your Great Uncle Ernie and my Aunt Sadie." I sat next to her and as she instructed I placed my fingers lightly on the triangle thing just for a moment then drew my hands back on my lap(evidentally she said now it was ready to be touched)She placed her fingers lightly on the other side. She kept her eyes closed and told me to watch the board and say whatever the triangle thing spelled out. She kept her eyes closed and said "Ernie are you there, this is Thelma, please come to me" This thing started to move! I looked at ther and her eyes where closed and her fingertips were bearly touching this thing. It seemed to be moving on its own. I couldnt believe it. It slowly spelled out: H-E-L-L-O-S-I-S-T-E-R-R-O-S-E. I stopped and stood up. She opened her eyes and I said she said who is rose? A tightening in my chest and dizzy feeling crazy that all this was happening.. my dolls at home I called Sister Rose and Brother Thorn. I left them at home and never told her about this. How could she know that? I never told anyone that. She smiled a deep wicked smile and said "Now you will believe" that is all she said. She carefully put away the board and triangle and told me never to mention that again. She then seemed to return to her normal state of Grandmotherness.
It was years later after she died and Grandpa was long gone that we came across several boxes with my name on them. Mostly, they were filled with old painted china, old weathered pictures and a couple of tiffany lamps. I was in my own home now and had inherited all this stuff so I just put it in my attic.
This weekend is my big garage sale. I have to get ready for this whole big college thing so I went up to the attic and grabbed all the old boxes carefully opening and pricing all the old stuff I didnt want. There is one box I dont want to open and I know what is inside. I know it with all of my heart. I put it back up in the attic untouched unopened. I will leave it there ... maybe forever... maybe someday for my Grandaughter (just kidding)...and it still makes me feel like I am twelve. And yes I still believe....
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Pomp and Strange Circumstance
Hello loyal readers!
I am back! Back from the tedious responsibilities of real life duties that have so selfishly taken me away from my one true passion (besides yoga) writing....
In the last several weeks I have been in absentia. My Daughter had finals, then Prom, then actual Graduation ceremony, then the preparation of a party that would rival a wedding reception (not really but it felt like it and was extremely expensive) and then all the other graduation parties that we have had to attend, then finally the 7 hour road trip to the College Orientation, the two days spent there "orientating" and the 7 hour trip back... Whew! it's been a whirlwind.... and I am so glad to be back to the safe quiet uninterupted bliss of my computer...
So what did I do when I finally got into my home office, shut the door, fired up my computer and cracked my knuckles with gleeful anticipation? I felt the beginnings of what is the equivalent of cyptonite to a budding writer... Writer's Block...
Yes, I was blocked for a full week... so on top of all of the time away and the traveling and time to ponder topics of discussion to write about, the notes taken on the road of stories I couldnt wait to pumpout, I sat there staring at the screen the gentle hummmm of the hard drive humming at me as it is was actually saying.. "What the Hell!!!"
I realized at that moment, I left my writing "mojo" back on the University of Kansas Campsus somewhere between the Dorm Rooms, the Sorority Houses, The Union Hall and the Financial Center (the place where you would find most of the parents). The wind has been taken out of my sails all for the greater good of higher education for my only Daughter. I realized that my mind is on the Stranger Circumstance of her actually leaving and living this new life, apart from me, without me. My heart is a little fluttery just saying this out loud, fingers to keys... to my supportive friends and fellow bloggers. Let me go on record to say "Letting go sucks" and this empty nest thing is going to be a lot harder than I realized.
I started at the computer screen and had a good long cry. The kind of cry that you cry until there are no more tears. The kind of cry that feels like when you are finally finished you are reborn.
The next thing I did was pump out the most heartfelt little novelette about growing up and letting go and I have to say, in the process of letting go of here in my heart and mind, I found myself, my voice, and my writers "mojo"!
Soin a way, she has graduated and so have I... on to a new life of possibilities and opportunities for the both of us... and yes, my dear friends you are asking how old where you Kimmykat to have a child old enough to graduate?? Lets just say, I was way too young but am glad now I have all this freedom to look forward to still at a young age.
So on the list now... and this is for you my dear friend Domestic Minx:
1. Teach Yoga for 8-10 months or longer in Costa Rica
2. Open my own Yoga Studio on the beach
3. Get my book finally published
4. Travel and explore
and all this could not be done with a schoolage child at home. So the lesson of all of this is to look at the positive and see really see all that life has to offer rather than concentrate on what you have to let go of.
Namaste....
I am back! Back from the tedious responsibilities of real life duties that have so selfishly taken me away from my one true passion (besides yoga) writing....
In the last several weeks I have been in absentia. My Daughter had finals, then Prom, then actual Graduation ceremony, then the preparation of a party that would rival a wedding reception (not really but it felt like it and was extremely expensive) and then all the other graduation parties that we have had to attend, then finally the 7 hour road trip to the College Orientation, the two days spent there "orientating" and the 7 hour trip back... Whew! it's been a whirlwind.... and I am so glad to be back to the safe quiet uninterupted bliss of my computer...
So what did I do when I finally got into my home office, shut the door, fired up my computer and cracked my knuckles with gleeful anticipation? I felt the beginnings of what is the equivalent of cyptonite to a budding writer... Writer's Block...
Yes, I was blocked for a full week... so on top of all of the time away and the traveling and time to ponder topics of discussion to write about, the notes taken on the road of stories I couldnt wait to pumpout, I sat there staring at the screen the gentle hummmm of the hard drive humming at me as it is was actually saying.. "What the Hell!!!"
I realized at that moment, I left my writing "mojo" back on the University of Kansas Campsus somewhere between the Dorm Rooms, the Sorority Houses, The Union Hall and the Financial Center (the place where you would find most of the parents). The wind has been taken out of my sails all for the greater good of higher education for my only Daughter. I realized that my mind is on the Stranger Circumstance of her actually leaving and living this new life, apart from me, without me. My heart is a little fluttery just saying this out loud, fingers to keys... to my supportive friends and fellow bloggers. Let me go on record to say "Letting go sucks" and this empty nest thing is going to be a lot harder than I realized.
I started at the computer screen and had a good long cry. The kind of cry that you cry until there are no more tears. The kind of cry that feels like when you are finally finished you are reborn.
The next thing I did was pump out the most heartfelt little novelette about growing up and letting go and I have to say, in the process of letting go of here in my heart and mind, I found myself, my voice, and my writers "mojo"!
Soin a way, she has graduated and so have I... on to a new life of possibilities and opportunities for the both of us... and yes, my dear friends you are asking how old where you Kimmykat to have a child old enough to graduate?? Lets just say, I was way too young but am glad now I have all this freedom to look forward to still at a young age.
So on the list now... and this is for you my dear friend Domestic Minx:
1. Teach Yoga for 8-10 months or longer in Costa Rica
2. Open my own Yoga Studio on the beach
3. Get my book finally published
4. Travel and explore
and all this could not be done with a schoolage child at home. So the lesson of all of this is to look at the positive and see really see all that life has to offer rather than concentrate on what you have to let go of.
Namaste....
Thursday, June 7, 2007
A bird's eye view
Last night I had a dream. I am a bird but still cannot figure out what kind of bird. I guess it is all up to interpretation. I quickly jotted down my thoughts in my dream journal and still cannot decide. It has turned into a riddle of my mind and my dreams.
I am a bird in a faraway place. I am feral and regal and proud. I have ancestors that have spanned the ages through the times of dinosaurs, the times of king and queens, the times of dictators and wars, the times of drugs and free love, and have lived through it all and survived. I am prehistoric, I am a part of history. I know this in my mind and thoughts and understand that the world belongs to me because I conquer the skies above it. If there is catastrophe or danger on land I can escape and fly away. I have seen humans and other animals die in volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, fire, tornadoes and hurricanes. I can fly away from it all and for this reason I fear nothing. Nothing except the gun of a hunter. My fear: a loud blast, gunshot sound and I can imagine the feeling of a hot sharp piece of metal shredding my body, the instant pain like a white light and then falling falling until I hit the ground or darkness. I sometimes wish for the first because the next fear would be to survive but wait on the ground until other animals would find me. Then I would become theirs to do what they want to my strong body, my beautiful feathers, all of what God gave to me and made me who I am.
At night in the cold darkness, I can see the forest lit up with small animals. My prey, my food. They fear me as I can swoop down and capture anything that fancies my attention. My eyes dart from side to side and in the deep recess of my mind I can smell a small mouse very very far away. I can smell the fear in that mouse and I know that he belongs to me. I am primative. I am brutal. I am nature pure raw real.
In my life I have always known, my feathers gleam and shine. My beak is razor sharp. My talons are strong and needle pointed. I breathe in deep and feel the cold clear air permeate my lungs , my feathered chest fills to capacity and my wings arch. I am standing perched on a tall mountain high high above a beautiful valley. The sun is just coming up over the horizon and day in its new beginning, a fresh start, an innocence is in the air and it belongs to me. I command the world and I feel like I am the king of the land.
Time seems to stop as I edge up on my talons, my wings span and spread as far as they can reach, I take a deep breath, close my eyes and lean lean into the air over the edge, falling falling then snap, my wings take hold of the thin cool air and the muscles and tendons in them grab hold of gravity, up and down my wings seem to go effortlessly, this is what I am made of. Fluid movement, gliding gliding. My wings stop every now and then and I just float. I am content more than anything at this very moment doing what I am meant to do. I see the world below me the animals the plants the humans and I am free free to fly and glide and breathe and be. This is my world. I am a bird, I am free and I am at one with God at this very moment.
hmmmm, putting my dream to paper didnt really help...still cant figure it out- I could have been an eagle or a sparrow but in the dream it was my eyes looking through a birds eye view. The dream was real and vivid and a bit scary. But seeing the world through something as free as a bird made me add one more thing on my list of things to do before I die: learn to fly a small plane! Wow
I am a bird in a faraway place. I am feral and regal and proud. I have ancestors that have spanned the ages through the times of dinosaurs, the times of king and queens, the times of dictators and wars, the times of drugs and free love, and have lived through it all and survived. I am prehistoric, I am a part of history. I know this in my mind and thoughts and understand that the world belongs to me because I conquer the skies above it. If there is catastrophe or danger on land I can escape and fly away. I have seen humans and other animals die in volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, fire, tornadoes and hurricanes. I can fly away from it all and for this reason I fear nothing. Nothing except the gun of a hunter. My fear: a loud blast, gunshot sound and I can imagine the feeling of a hot sharp piece of metal shredding my body, the instant pain like a white light and then falling falling until I hit the ground or darkness. I sometimes wish for the first because the next fear would be to survive but wait on the ground until other animals would find me. Then I would become theirs to do what they want to my strong body, my beautiful feathers, all of what God gave to me and made me who I am.
At night in the cold darkness, I can see the forest lit up with small animals. My prey, my food. They fear me as I can swoop down and capture anything that fancies my attention. My eyes dart from side to side and in the deep recess of my mind I can smell a small mouse very very far away. I can smell the fear in that mouse and I know that he belongs to me. I am primative. I am brutal. I am nature pure raw real.
In my life I have always known, my feathers gleam and shine. My beak is razor sharp. My talons are strong and needle pointed. I breathe in deep and feel the cold clear air permeate my lungs , my feathered chest fills to capacity and my wings arch. I am standing perched on a tall mountain high high above a beautiful valley. The sun is just coming up over the horizon and day in its new beginning, a fresh start, an innocence is in the air and it belongs to me. I command the world and I feel like I am the king of the land.
Time seems to stop as I edge up on my talons, my wings span and spread as far as they can reach, I take a deep breath, close my eyes and lean lean into the air over the edge, falling falling then snap, my wings take hold of the thin cool air and the muscles and tendons in them grab hold of gravity, up and down my wings seem to go effortlessly, this is what I am made of. Fluid movement, gliding gliding. My wings stop every now and then and I just float. I am content more than anything at this very moment doing what I am meant to do. I see the world below me the animals the plants the humans and I am free free to fly and glide and breathe and be. This is my world. I am a bird, I am free and I am at one with God at this very moment.
hmmmm, putting my dream to paper didnt really help...still cant figure it out- I could have been an eagle or a sparrow but in the dream it was my eyes looking through a birds eye view. The dream was real and vivid and a bit scary. But seeing the world through something as free as a bird made me add one more thing on my list of things to do before I die: learn to fly a small plane! Wow
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
long night at the airport
Recently I had to take a brief business trip, the layover at the airport was time well spent as I wrote a story partly fiction partly truth of what was happening. I still keep in contact with Danny....
One day I thought about the secrets that we all keep. It was a day that I was traveling on one of my many trips. I thought about this sitting for what seemed to be hours and hours waiting for a delayed flight in Cincinnatti. The airport was packed and it was evident that most everyone that was milling around the terminal was stressed and tense and just wanted to be home where ever that might be.I felt the same way but after traveling for the last two days on a very quick, hectic business trip, I really did not want to be alone and wanted someone to talk to. I was sitting in the middle of a mass, more like a swarm of people and felt invisible. A man smiled at me and resumed reading his newspaper. A younger businessman with dark serious eyes and a massive mane of hair looked my way and our eyes locked. It was strange the connection, the attraction, the instant magnetism. He did not look away, neither did I. It became unnerving and a bit uncomfortable. I finally broke the connection and looked in the direction of a fussy child on the bench a few rows away from me. It was a believable diversion, one that he would not have thought he had won our staring contest. Better to let him think I was his equal, his match.
I could feel him looking in my direction still and my face felt flushed. There was excitement in my body and a quickening in my breath. I smiled a devilish little smile in the direction of the fussy child but in actuality was smiling the smile of a woman wanted, a woman lost in wanton thoughts. Suddenly the wait at the airport became bearable. Time seemed to stand still and in my mind, I was with this dark stranger. In my mind he only thought of me, of my wants, of my needs.
His name was Lucas and he was a traveler from a faraway land, a prince in his native country, a man that was taught to hold a woman in the highest regard. He was skilled in archery, martial arts and rode a horse like he had done so all of his life. Lucas was a man who would dress up in his finest clothes and take a woman out to an opera halfway across the country arriving in style, dinner on a concorde jet, champagne in the private opera box, no expense spared to make his lady feel like she was the only woman in the world to him. On the way home in the plane looking out over the quiet sleepy land below, twinkling lights of homes filled with love and hope, he touches her hand and smiles and he touches her heart in a very deep place. I am that lady and I smile back knowing that there will be many more dark plane rides to faraway places with this wonderful dark handsome man.
I look up and he is still looking at me this time smiling a little and if I am not mistaken a little wink or slight twinkle in his eye. The child fusses again (thank god) and I look in that direction.
His name is Danny and he is a construction worker in California working on houses during the day, surfing the best waves at night. He is simple and quiet and happy to just be , he does not judge and does not want to be judged. He is a hard working man, one who hardly ever travels but on this ocassion, is coming back from a trip to see his mother. He is lonely and wants to find a girl who just gets him. A girl that is happy to sit with him on the beach on a grand evening and watch the sun set while enjoying a couple of ice cold Coronas. His idea of a great evening is a barefoot BBQ on his patio with some steel drum music in the background or maybe a little Bob Marley and a quiet dance with his lady until they fall asleep under the stars. No pretention, no illusion, just truth and trust. He is a keeper and he is mine, body and soul. Wonderful strong Danny, I would not want for more and he is completely happy with me and our life together.
I feel his eyes on me again and I look up this time red faced and aware that he knows he has conquered my attention and a little bit of my heart. I smile and regally, gracefully and oh so slowly raise my chin and look in the other direction. He understands the attraction but knows I am no pushover.
His name is Jack, a man dedicated to doing only good for others. He is a decorated firefighter in a New York Borough and a hero in many ways. He has saved many lives and for this he has taken too many chances. With each fire, he feels like he is completing his last mission, his luck has run out and this time he is going to eat it. The adrenaline is too much for him though and he cannot stop. For this reason, he cannot pull himself away, when he hears the sirens in another part of town he simply is pulled towards it like the proverbial moth to the flame. What girl would not be attracted to the hero in him, the large sinnewy muscles, the hard body underneath his firefighting gear. The little boy look on his face when he is on his way to a fire and the bravery involved with his heroics is something so attractive to a woman. Sadly, he cannot find a girl that will be with him through the long haul, they are too afraid of losing him so rather than face his fate with him, they seal it for him by leaving him. He is sad and lonely and the only the fires that he can control and quench give him the satisfaction like that of conquering a firey wild woman. I am that wild woman and he takes hours and hours to control my fire with his raw tender passion.
They call my plane to board and I look up and see my mystery man is no longer there. I am crushed but a little relieved. My thoughts of him have consumed me and now they will just be a memory, a wonderful fantasy like that of a one night stand, the kind of naughty memories that years later will still make you blush. I realize that in thinking about who this mystery man was, I have summoned all the the men that make up the man I dream of, Lucas, Danny, Jack together all have special places in my heart and I know that someday a man who is strong and adventurous, simple and good, brave and true will find me and I will have found the other piece to the puzzle that I have been missing all of my life. I sigh and I get up to walk down the ramp to the plane's entrance. I say hello to the flight attendant and find my seat next to the window and settle in. I have my laptop on the seat next to me and am buckling my seat belt when I hear a soft yet strong and very masculine voice say, "is that seat taken?" I look up knowing it is my dark stranger and he smiles at me with a knowing look like I am the missing piece to his puzzle. I smile, pick up my laptop and say, "this seat is yours."
One day I thought about the secrets that we all keep. It was a day that I was traveling on one of my many trips. I thought about this sitting for what seemed to be hours and hours waiting for a delayed flight in Cincinnatti. The airport was packed and it was evident that most everyone that was milling around the terminal was stressed and tense and just wanted to be home where ever that might be.I felt the same way but after traveling for the last two days on a very quick, hectic business trip, I really did not want to be alone and wanted someone to talk to. I was sitting in the middle of a mass, more like a swarm of people and felt invisible. A man smiled at me and resumed reading his newspaper. A younger businessman with dark serious eyes and a massive mane of hair looked my way and our eyes locked. It was strange the connection, the attraction, the instant magnetism. He did not look away, neither did I. It became unnerving and a bit uncomfortable. I finally broke the connection and looked in the direction of a fussy child on the bench a few rows away from me. It was a believable diversion, one that he would not have thought he had won our staring contest. Better to let him think I was his equal, his match.
I could feel him looking in my direction still and my face felt flushed. There was excitement in my body and a quickening in my breath. I smiled a devilish little smile in the direction of the fussy child but in actuality was smiling the smile of a woman wanted, a woman lost in wanton thoughts. Suddenly the wait at the airport became bearable. Time seemed to stand still and in my mind, I was with this dark stranger. In my mind he only thought of me, of my wants, of my needs.
His name was Lucas and he was a traveler from a faraway land, a prince in his native country, a man that was taught to hold a woman in the highest regard. He was skilled in archery, martial arts and rode a horse like he had done so all of his life. Lucas was a man who would dress up in his finest clothes and take a woman out to an opera halfway across the country arriving in style, dinner on a concorde jet, champagne in the private opera box, no expense spared to make his lady feel like she was the only woman in the world to him. On the way home in the plane looking out over the quiet sleepy land below, twinkling lights of homes filled with love and hope, he touches her hand and smiles and he touches her heart in a very deep place. I am that lady and I smile back knowing that there will be many more dark plane rides to faraway places with this wonderful dark handsome man.
I look up and he is still looking at me this time smiling a little and if I am not mistaken a little wink or slight twinkle in his eye. The child fusses again (thank god) and I look in that direction.
His name is Danny and he is a construction worker in California working on houses during the day, surfing the best waves at night. He is simple and quiet and happy to just be , he does not judge and does not want to be judged. He is a hard working man, one who hardly ever travels but on this ocassion, is coming back from a trip to see his mother. He is lonely and wants to find a girl who just gets him. A girl that is happy to sit with him on the beach on a grand evening and watch the sun set while enjoying a couple of ice cold Coronas. His idea of a great evening is a barefoot BBQ on his patio with some steel drum music in the background or maybe a little Bob Marley and a quiet dance with his lady until they fall asleep under the stars. No pretention, no illusion, just truth and trust. He is a keeper and he is mine, body and soul. Wonderful strong Danny, I would not want for more and he is completely happy with me and our life together.
I feel his eyes on me again and I look up this time red faced and aware that he knows he has conquered my attention and a little bit of my heart. I smile and regally, gracefully and oh so slowly raise my chin and look in the other direction. He understands the attraction but knows I am no pushover.
His name is Jack, a man dedicated to doing only good for others. He is a decorated firefighter in a New York Borough and a hero in many ways. He has saved many lives and for this he has taken too many chances. With each fire, he feels like he is completing his last mission, his luck has run out and this time he is going to eat it. The adrenaline is too much for him though and he cannot stop. For this reason, he cannot pull himself away, when he hears the sirens in another part of town he simply is pulled towards it like the proverbial moth to the flame. What girl would not be attracted to the hero in him, the large sinnewy muscles, the hard body underneath his firefighting gear. The little boy look on his face when he is on his way to a fire and the bravery involved with his heroics is something so attractive to a woman. Sadly, he cannot find a girl that will be with him through the long haul, they are too afraid of losing him so rather than face his fate with him, they seal it for him by leaving him. He is sad and lonely and the only the fires that he can control and quench give him the satisfaction like that of conquering a firey wild woman. I am that wild woman and he takes hours and hours to control my fire with his raw tender passion.
They call my plane to board and I look up and see my mystery man is no longer there. I am crushed but a little relieved. My thoughts of him have consumed me and now they will just be a memory, a wonderful fantasy like that of a one night stand, the kind of naughty memories that years later will still make you blush. I realize that in thinking about who this mystery man was, I have summoned all the the men that make up the man I dream of, Lucas, Danny, Jack together all have special places in my heart and I know that someday a man who is strong and adventurous, simple and good, brave and true will find me and I will have found the other piece to the puzzle that I have been missing all of my life. I sigh and I get up to walk down the ramp to the plane's entrance. I say hello to the flight attendant and find my seat next to the window and settle in. I have my laptop on the seat next to me and am buckling my seat belt when I hear a soft yet strong and very masculine voice say, "is that seat taken?" I look up knowing it is my dark stranger and he smiles at me with a knowing look like I am the missing piece to his puzzle. I smile, pick up my laptop and say, "this seat is yours."
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